


wehavedamnfinekids.jpeg

by sunflowerwonder



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Family Fluff, Gen, In which Dirk and Roxy build mini-Derse, Strilondes, and Dave takes a picture, famous people raising genius kids, half text half pesterlog, this is nothing but self-indulgent alpha strilonde feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 09:49:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowerwonder/pseuds/sunflowerwonder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="rose">TT: May I go out of line to presume someone fell asleep with his credit cards in plain sight again?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dave">TG: yeah yeah dont be hating<br/><span class="dave">TG: all in the strider parenting method lalonde<br/><span class="rose">TT: Uh huh.<br/><span class="dave">TG: i havent even checked how much they bought though<br/><span class="dave">TG: how expensive do you think a couple hundred cases of legos are<br/><span class="rose">TT: I highly doubt it matters. You act like you wouldn’t buy them the moon if they asked for it.<br/><span class="dave">TG: shh shh shhh dont give them any ideas god</span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	wehavedamnfinekids.jpeg

**Author's Note:**

> I'm working on We All Have Our John Egbert I swear.
> 
> I swear.
> 
> Until then have some Alpha Universe Strilondes.

You’re awoken by tiny pale hands thumping you childishly on the shoulder, accompanied by the soft voice of your younger brother repeating “Bro. Bro? Broooooo,” over and over again. 

Shit, you fell asleep.

Last night’s writing crunch was fuzzy. A major headache was edging its way into your skull and you were pretty sure that binging on apple juice-energy drink concoctions maybe wasn’t the best idea. You shifted around from where you’d crashed on the couch, crumpling a few papers of rough draft script, and sat up on your elbows to take a look at your awakener. You squinted at him softly, sensitive pupils adjusting to what must be late-afternoon light, before giving him a small pat on the shoulder.

“What’s up, kiddo?” you yawned, and his whole face lit up with the recognition from you.

“Come see what me and Roxy did!” he said excitedly, and it sounded a bit unnatural. Usually his voice was pretty monotone due to his attempts to match your cool-guy persona, but you knew he got hyped up like this sometimes. Especially over something he was proud of. You couldn’t wait to see what handmade computer or toothpick empire state building him and Rose’s kid had created now.

“You did?” You mumbled, hand groping along the adjoining end table for your shades, “Well shit, bro. Let’s take a look.”

After making sure your protective glasses were safely resting on your face, you allowed Dirk to drag you from your workspace towards his room. You vaguely remembered passing out at about two in the morning, and considering it was definitely past noon, you hoped they’d fared well enough without you. You’d have to bribe them with ice cream later to make sure they didn’t tell Rose you shirked on your parent duties. 

“Me and Rox spent aaaall day on it!” he said, tugging you along by the three fingers of your hand he was actually able to fit his own tiny fist around, “Except we took a break for lunch, so don’ worry, Bro.”

When you’d reached your destination of his room, you ruffled his hair – much to his displeasure, as he quickly moved a hand up to readjust it – and smiled, “Good job, kid. Taking care of Roxy like I told you.”

He frowned, “She’s the one who said we should take a break. I wanted to keep workin’, but since we were waiting for Toys ‘R’ Us to deliver, I figured we /could use a rest.”

He then tapped some sort of secret rhythm on the door (Morse code, you think. How the fuck do your six year olds know Morse code.) and you heard scurrying coming from the other side.

“Does Toys ‘R’ Us even deliver?” you asked, looking down at him.

He shrugged.

“They do if you’re a Strider.”

Of course they do. You should probably be expecting some very large toy charges on one of your credit cards soon.

A little girl with equally light blonde hair as Dirk’s opened the door and let out a squeal. She was dressed in a pair of way too big cargo pants and one of Dirk’s pony T-shirts, (Pinky Pie? Yeah that sounds about right.) a sign that her mother must have been in too much of a rush to have made sure she’d had all necessary belongings for her week-long sleepover at your place.

“Dave!” she exclaimed, bright pink eyes lighting up.

“Good mornin’ sweetheart,” you said, smiling as she rushed out to hug you. 

“It’s afternoon, silly,” she giggled as you swept her up and spun her around a few times. 

You smiled a rare, genuine smile, “Of course, how could I be so forgetful?”

She laughs some more as she nestles herself into her usual position against your chest with you supporting her. She’s still pretty tiny for a six year old, so while Dirk’s clingy days were numbered due to his recent non-stop growth spurt, Roxy would probably still have a ways to go before carrying her became obsolete. 

“You’re not forgetful! You’re just hardworking, Davey. There’s a difference!” she says, and you’re glad she doesn’t take after Rose or you’re sure you’d be hearing a lot of underhanded “Mommy says it’s because you’re dysfunctional,” replies. 

You lean down to nuzzle her cheek with your nose, “You really are the smartest, sweetest girl out there, Rox.”

Dirk gave you a “laying it on a little thick there?” look, and you childishly stick your tongue out at him. Where Dirk and Rose’s personalities meshed well together, you knew Roxy was the kind of little girl who could probably use a break from the snark and passive-aggressiveness every once in a while. 

(Even though she was developing quite a sassy mouth herself anyway.) 

(You’d pretty much resigned yourself to a family of smartasses by the time Dirk was able to speak in complete sentences.) 

“Love you, Davey,” Roxy chimed, interrupting your thoughts.

“Love you too, Roxy,” you responded.

And you really did love Roxy. Dirk would rarely ever let you treat him like a little kid. But Roxy loved the attention, and considering the fact that she was raised by Rose ‘children need to be independent’ Lalonde she probably didn’t get enough of it.

“Now c’mon, what sort of weird-ass thing did you guys make this time?”

“Eep! I think you’re really gonna love it!” Roxy shrieked ecstatically, and even Dirk bounced a bit on his heels in excitement.

“Well then, lead the way.”

Your brother quickly continued to lead you into his disaster zone of a child-genius room. 

The first thing you noticed was that all of the loose wires and spare parts that usually littered his room had been pushed to the corner. This would have been nice, had the clutter not been replace by a small mountain of Legos, blocks, and Lincoln Logs that had all been painted varying shades of purple. 

No, not a mountain, a castle. Several castles. A whole group of intricately crafted castles crushed together to form a beautifully artistic mess. There were towers and arches and walls that had been built everywhere, forming some sort of twisted, cluttered city. The whole thing was massive – easily taking up about three-fourths of Dirk’s room’s floor space and extending several feet into the air – but it seemed structurally sound (Dirk’s engineering skills kicking in, surely).

Those little shits must have wiped out every toy store within a hundred mile radius to build this thing.

“Whoa,” you finally said, taking it all in.

“Do ya like it, Davey?” Roxy said, squirming in your arms so that she could see your face.

Dirk looked up to you expectantly, “You’re not mad, are you, Bro?”

“Nah,” you breathed out, “But holy shit guys, this is incredible!”

You set Roxy down and slowly circled your kids’ newest creation. On closer inspection you found many of the block-paved streets to be adorned by black chess pieces (you supposed the pawns did look a lot like people, smart thinking kiddos) and atop the largest tower in the middle of the structure were two dolls. 

You recognized them to be refurbished versions Dirk’s toys, because they had lovingly hand-sewn purple outfits (you’d wanted to shut that down early, but due to the fact that no one should ever criticize a Strider –and that Rose had knocked you upside the head when you told her you didn’t like it– you’d let him be interested in whatever the hell he was interested in). They had been adjusted to look like older teenaged Barbie-type versions of him and Roxy, complete with tiny shades and a prince-y outfit for him and some type of ninja clothes for her. It was cute, really. 

“Are these you guys?” you asked, and Dirk nodded.

“And the two other thingys are you guys!” Roxy explained, and you looked back at the tower to see two small chess pieces behind the dolls.

“The knight and the bishop,” Dirk said quietly.

“Yep! We got lazy with the dolls so we decided to improvise, heh.” Roxy continued, “Dirk thought Mom should be a bishop since they’re like advisers or somethin’? And I thought that you’d be a knight because you protect us n’ stuff. Also Dirk wanted to use that one because it’s a horse.”

“That wasn’t the only reason!” Dirk interjected loudly.

“It totes was!” Roxy yelled back.

“That’s enough,” you said, still hating you parent-voice that had snuck up on you amidst your caregiving. You examined the detailed scene before you a little more, walking around it and admiring every angle (which had all been fully decorated) before turning to assess the state of the room. You found a painting station they’d set up in the corner that included several industrial-sized bottles of deep purple paint and a few scattered half-painted Legos, and a sewing set-up in the corner as well.

“You guys really have been busy, haven’t you?”

“We just wanted to make a castle, and then we kinda lost control a bit,” Dirk replied, adjusting a pawn so that it was just a few centimeters to the left of its previous position. You wondered if that perfectionism would be a problem when he got older. 

“Well, I think it looks pretty badass,” you smiled, “How ‘bout we get a picture to send to Lalonde, eh?”

“Oooh! Can we? Me and Mom read about castle all the time! I bet she’d love it!” Roxy said, bouncing up and down with her usual hyperness. 

She quickly scampered up to the front of the structure and smoothed out her shirt and puffed up her hair (just the way Rose did) before taking on a confident position with her hands on her hips. Dirk slipped his hands in his pockets and tried to look as apathetic as possible as he shuffled to the front of their masterpiece as well.

(He’d always hated having his picture taken, telling you some bullshit story about how the Japanese believe pictures to be windows into the soul. You were pretty sure it just had something to do with him being ridiculously dodgy when it came to any sort of attention.)

“Come on, Dirky! Smile!” Roxy said, mock-punching your little brother as you retrieved your IPhone from its permanent place at your side.

“Say cheese, kiddos.”

“Cheese!” Roxy exclaimed.

“Cheese,” Dirk said dully.

Roxy whipped around and rolled her eyes.

“You HAVE to smile, Dirk!”

“I don’t have to do anything, Rox-”

You took the pictures just as a laughing Roxy almost tackled and began tickling your brother, making his face contort into the rare smile that mirrored the unironic happiness that happened when you spent too much around either Lalondes. 

They were infectious like that, you supposed.

-  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
TG: yo   
TG: yo lalonde  
TG: hey rose  
TG: rose you there  
TT: Yes, I’m here, Strider.  
TT: Though I thought we agreed that unless an emergency became apparent not to contact me.  
TT: Because, as it has apparently slipped your mind, I’m about five minutes from my promotional interview on Ellen.  
TG: oh shit is it really that late  
TG: gotta tune into that with rox  
TG: never miss a chance to see your gorgeous face lighting up television sets around the world  
TG: bet everyone gets practically scared shitless the second your first snark comes out  
TG: then faces freeze in utter blankness with just once glance of that hawk glare  
TG: wasnt that a doctor who episode or something  
TG: i cant remember  
TG: shit me and jade need to have another marathon  
TT: Are you quite finished?  
TG: no wait  
TG: i wanna send you a pic  
TT: I do believe sexting while on national television is highly discouraged, Strider.  
TG: not like that rose  
TG: omg  
TG: di stri and ro lal just made something pretty awesome so i took a pic for you  
TG: since you always take pictures of their prime moments when youre on nanny duty for me  
TG: which may or may not be an underhanded jab at my parenting skills  
TG: either way just returning the favor  
TG: also our kids are fucking adorable  
TT: Please don’t refer to them as “our kids,” Strider.  
TT: You make it sound as if we’re romantically engaged.  
TG: we could be  
TG: got some fucking first class eyebrow action going on over here lalonde  
TT: As much as you still love to delude yourself, we’re not dating.  
TG: oh like ninety percent of america doesnt think we are  
TT: Oh, I am well aware of what America thinks.  
TT: And if thinking that will have a chance of improving our popularity, I am more than happy to indulge them.  
TG: but you wont indulge me  
TT: Correct.  
TG: nobody likes a hypocrite rose  
TT: I feel I’m unwarranted to make a comment.  
TT: I’ve got three minutes. The picture, please.  
TG: alright alright  
TG: roxy looks adorable btw  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] the file "wehavedamnfinekids.jpeg" --  
TT: Did they build that?  
TG: no i hired a douchebag off the street to construct atlantis in dirks room  
TG: of course they fucking built it  
TT: It’s incredible.  
TG: better be  
TG: im pretty sure they just guaranteed some toys r us managers retirement  
TG: guys gonna be living pretty in a penthouse apartment off the strider name for a while  
TT: May I go out of line to presume someone fell asleep with his credit cards in plain sight again?  
TG: yeah yeah dont be hating  
TG: all in the strider parenting method lalonde  
TT: Uh huh.  
TG: i havent even check how much they bought though  
TG: how expensive do you think a couple hundred cases of legos are  
TT: I highly doubt it matters.  
TT: You act like you wouldn’t buy them the moon if they asked for it.  
TG: shhh shh shhh dont give them any ideas god  
TG: rox has been talking about space travel a lot and i dont think i can afford the moon  
TT: You’re saying that like you’d actually consider it.  
TG: youre saying that like you totally expected it and just wanted to make all these passive aggressive statements  
TT: Touché.  
TT: But regardless, it’s rather endearing to see you have a soft spot for our kids.  
TG: our kids huh  
TG: our  
TG: kids  
TG: the eyebrows are continuing over here lalonde  
TT: We will discuss my Freudian slip later.  
TT: I have an interview now.  
TG: guess i wont hold you up then  
TG: love ya rose  
TG: platonically i guess since youd kick my ass otherwise  
TG: break a leg my glorious grimdark booksmith  
TT: Thanks, Strider.  
TT: I’ll message you afterwards.  
TT: And maybe I can convince my agent to let me off a few days early.  
TT: We can go to Texas or something, you can show the kids your hometown.  
TT: You’re always going on about how much you miss it.  
TT: Shit, I’ve got to go.  
TT: Good bye, Dave.  
TG: <3  
TT: Your childishness never ceases to amaze me.  
TT: <3  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--


End file.
